The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo – by Amy Schumer (the book not the blog)

The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo wasn’t what I expected from Amy Schumer.

It was SO MUCH MORE! Five–star rating in my opinion and I highly recommend it to every man, woman and (over 18-year-old) child.

As you know, I’m an audio book junkie and listen to at least one a week. The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo is by far my favorite this year (or last year, or the year before… In fact, I can’t think of a book that I enjoyed more.) Of course, I was expecting humor, I was expecting to laugh until I peed my pants. It’s Amy Schumer for crying out loud! But the first time through the book I cried the entire eight hours (to be fair, some of it was because I was laughing so hard). Mostly because Amy hit every one of my heart strings, plucked every one of my own issues from my soul and demanded (ok, suggested) I look at the experiences that have led me to my own successes (or failures) and embrace them. She states there is no advice or wisdom to offer in the pages of her book but truly, the wisdom is beyond words. The insight she offers can benefit EVERY woman I know. Hell, there’s even some great observations for dudes. And the young adults out there, please, please, please read this book! You’ll thank me later.

Amy takes a close look on some difficult and often over-looked issues in the wonderful world of being a woman. She does this by expertly threading together true stories of her own life with humor but more than that, a large helping of ‘let’s get real’. It’s beautiful and ugly, raw and well-done, heart-wrenching and heart-warming. It’s the full gamete. This book touches on everything from responsible gun laws, consensual sex, abusive relationships, parental relationships, unwarranted body-issues, tattoo choices, sisters, sex, sass, shop-lifting and a few personal lists that leave you feeling you know her (especially since she does the reading on the audio and it’s like she’s sitting there talking to you, oh yeah, because she kind of is…)

It seems her and I are a lot alike, or maybe I’m looking for the things I have in common with her because she’s a big-time celebrity and New York Best Selling author and it would be great to be affiliated with someone of that stature. No book spoilers, but here’s the top ten list of the ways I now feel like a kindred spirit to Ms. Schumer.

1. The book starts with a letter. “An open letter to My Vagina, first of all, I’m sorry. Second of all, you’re welcome.” I feel the same way, totally. (And my pussy agrees.)
2. I have a soft-spot for gingers. And like Amy, I lost my virginity to a guy named Jeff (who was a red-head. I don’t think her Jeff was a red-head, just a dickhead.). My experience was much nicer than Amy’s and for that, I’m sorry her first time sucked. I have other non-consensual sex stories that rival hers.
   (Is it ridiculous EVERY woman I know has similar non-consensual sex stories? Yes… yes it is. Fucking ridiculous!)
3. I’ve been involved in an abusive relationship.
   (Again, is it ridiculous EVERY woman I know has similar abusive relationship stories? There’s a pattern here boys!)
4. I love my parents even though they should have (maybe) done a few things differently.
5. I’ve been personally affected and forever changed by senseless violent gun deaths where the people who pulled the trigger(s) shouldn’t have access to the guns due to prior mental health problems and/or legal issues. Rest in peace Mayci and Jillian (Cory and Christopher). Maybe one day America will step up and do better with their gun laws. Please, check out everytown.org if you’re interested in what you can do to help AND check out Amy’s book as she includes a PDF of those in office who have personally profited from the gun industry and have kept the laws slanted towards greed. (Oh, Amy… Thanks for following that chapter with the list of the things that make you happy, seriously, I needed a minute to gather myself.)
6. I was a shoplifting queen when I was in college. My shoplifting career was spectacular! I got busted stealing (men’s) underwear when my car’s trunk was already filled to the brim with jeans, swimsuits and a prom dress. (yea, that’s a long story, but an 80’s style prom dress, stockings and heels to match) As my roommates and I walked out of the store that rhymes with … um … I can’t think of anything that rhymes with Mervyn’s- so the security guy walked up behind us and I recognized him. I’m all “Hey Matt, what’s up?” as my roommates continued to walk away from us. Because I knew Matt, the police officer was so lenient with me he walked me to his car and wrote me a ticket. I had to lean forward and smile at him to block my personalized ‘Dacia’ plates on my car parked three stalls away which was full, seriously FULL of stolen goods. UGH! Then I talked the nice police officer to drive me to a friend’s house (which was really a random house of someone I didn’t even know). I knocked, someone answered and I turned to wave to the cop as he pulled out from the drive way. Then I asked the people at the door if I could hop their back fence to retrieve my car in the mall’s parking lot. I still can’t believe I did that. That last booty was perhaps the biggest in one shot my roomies and I ever did. They didn’t get busted but since they were there, they appeared in court with me and we split the fine three-ways. (True friends! Right?)
7. My dad has been recently diagnosed with a life-threatening disease that ends in ‘osis’ but a different one than Amy’s dad. My family is everything to me (God…not all of them).
8. I’m no model.
9. I wrote a book.
10. I love smoking pot and the Moscow Mule will be the official drink at my funeral. (Oh, and I never can spell jewelry right the first time.)

    As for the ways Amy and I are different…

    1. I’ve never met President Obama (although I have a reoccurring dream I’m having an affair with him, but in it I keep asking him if we could have lunch with Michelle.)
    2. I’ve had more than one one-night stand. (no-I don’t know how many more…)
    3. I completely and totally agree with 99.5% of Amy Schumer’s list of things that make her furious, but that .5%… (Amy, the black jelly beans I get, but lay off black licorice, sister!)
    4. I don’t have a lower back tattoo. (Although I almost got one on my 35^th After looking through stacks of books, I had settled on a lacy thing that would look like panties poking out. Before it was my turn, my husband said, “Maybe we should use that money to get one of my tattoos removed”. I bee-lined out the door and never looked back.)
    5. Amy’s a tried and true New Yorker. I’m a tried and true New Mexican.

    Okay, this review doesn’t really tell you much about Amy’s amazing book, it’s more about me. I get it. That being said, I didn’t want to give too much away… Reading back over my lists, I already feel I gave away a lot. Amy’s book is wonderful and there’s more I left out. For real though, check it out, it’ll be worth your time, I promise.

    PS. Thank you, Amy Schumer, for putting yourself out there for the world to see, the good, the bad and the gorgeous! If you’re ever in New Mexico, look me up (We’re the only Weist in the book and it’s a pretty small town.) I’ve got a rack of wonderful wine, some medical-grade goodness (winky, wink, wink). And did I mention? I have a horse.